I’m going to tell you a story about a very awkward, very public moment that totally flipped my whole approach to communication and leadership. I call it The Stink Face Story.
I was in my first year of graduate school, at a weekend-long intensive. I’d gotten there early, scored the best seat in the room, my gel pens, highlighters, and a fresh notebook were all lined up and ready to go. I was excited, ready, and eager to learn.
The professor welcomed the class, Debra, and started the day with a simple, foundational instruction. She told all of us: “If you’re unsure of anything, if something doesn’t sit right, please check in. Just raise your hand and ask to check out an assumption.”
And we were like, “sounds good, we’ll check it out. Cool.”
The Marker Pause
Then Deborah moved us into our first exercise. Do I remember what it was about? No. Do I remember what happened? Yes. Yes I do.
Debra asked us to shout out words (probably about leadership). Students were shouting out answers, and the professor was standing at the whiteboard with her dry-erase marker, just grabbing those answers out of the air and quickly jotting them down.
My smart brain supplied a textbook answer based on my years of education and experience (and general extroversion). I shouted out my perfect, expert response. I was ready to see it on the board.
But when my answer landed, everything stopped.
The professor paused. She held the marker still. She looked off to the side, cocked her head, and squinted her face. The Stink Face.
The whole thing only lasted about 13 seconds, but it felt like a lifetime. My heart was racing, my hands were sweating, and my brain went into total panic mode. I immediately assumed I had said the wrong thing, missed the strategic point, or failed completely. To this day, I can’t remember what my word even was!
The Mid-Class Check-it-Out
I couldn’t shake that feeling. I sat and stewed in my big feelings.
I wondered, “why was my word different than everyone else’s?” I got angry, making assumptions about what she and everyone else was thinking. I told myself I was stupid and, “I can’t believe I said that word.” I decided I wouldn’t talk for the rest of the weekend.
But then I remembered her instruction from the beginning of the class, and dug deep. I decided I had to disrupt myself, raise my hand, and ask a question. It took every ounce of courage I had at that time, but eventually, I raised my hand, and I said:
“Debra, I need to check out the stink face that you gave my word a couple of minutes ago.”
She immediately stopped and without missing a beat, said:
“I was thinking about how to spell it.”
Ummmmm. What? Mind blown. That never even crossed my mind.
The Simple, Profound Truth
I was stunned. Seriously. All that internal chaos, all that self-doubt and assumed failure, was actually just about spelling.
In that 13 seconds, I realized the most massive pattern holding me back: I was assuming complexity and massive failure when in fact, her taking a beat to THINK wasn’t about me at all.
My quick brain (they all are, b/c, survival) was jumping from A to Z, when the real problem was stuck at B.
This is a key lesson for every leader (and human): We waste time, create unnecessary drama, and stop momentum because we fail to check the simplest assumption. We assume the “stink face” is an indictment of our competence, when it’s often just a signal that the other person is trying to figure out the spelling, the context, or the goal.
The Best Part of the Story
Today, Debra is not just my former professor; she’s a valued colleague and friend. That strong, trusting relationship was forged in that single, vulnerable, and messy moment. I chose to be brave and check in, and in doing so, I gained a teacher and a role model for life.
Remember this: Find your courage to ask that messy (but simple), clarifying question. You might save yourself weeks of emotional turmoil, and you just might forge a powerful, lasting relationship.
Ready to put down your assumptions and build relationships based on real clarity? My coaching programs specialize in helping smart leaders break these old patterns and step into their strategic power. Contact me to talk about the patterns that are holding you back.